1.I just talked to my mom. It was fun but I had to disassociate.
2. There is a specific self that talks to my mom. She needs me to be that way. When she is happy I am happy too, to a point, so I become the self she needs me to be.
3. I will know in a bit whether this dissociation hurt me. Right now I’m still keyed up and reeling.
4. I do know that I feel enormously tired and that I don’t know how to come down.
5. J. came right after the call to tell me something and I had no idea how to talk to her. She belonged in another universe entirely.
6. From Lucy Ellmann’s Ducks, Newburyport:
7. I think we all dissociate to some extent when we talk to our moms, but their is dissociation and dissociation.
8. I am quite dissociated these days. When the little girl is not raging the dissociation wouldn’t be bad except I need to interact with others and it’s exhausting.