Mom and dissociation

1.I just talked to my mom. It was fun but I had to disassociate.

2. There is a specific self that talks to my mom. She needs me to be that way. When she is happy I am happy too, to a point, so I become the self she needs me to be.

3. I will know in a bit whether this dissociation hurt me. Right now I’m still keyed up and reeling.

4. I do know that I feel enormously tired and that I don’t know how to come down.

5. J. came right after the call to tell me something and I had no idea how to talk to her. She belonged in another universe entirely.

6. From Lucy Ellmann’s Ducks, Newburyport:

Scene cap from Ducks, Newburyport; the highlighted  part says: “the fact that I think people are just trying  not to think about  ther mothers, the fact that I think that’s all anybody’s doing most of the time, all over the world, Mother Earth, the fact that everybody’s either thinking about their mothers  or trying not to think about their mothers, the fact that nobody ever talks  about them, the fact that mothers never get mentioned at dinner parties,

7. I think we all dissociate to some extent when we talk to our moms, but their is dissociation and dissociation.

8. I am quite dissociated these days. When the little girl is not raging the dissociation wouldn’t be bad except I need to interact with others and it’s exhausting.