Paranoia

1. I suffer enormously from being ignored. Being ignored by those I love makes me feel I don’t exist for anyone.

2. I find this to be a paranoid state brought about by trauma. This knowledge gives me no relief.

3. If you are chronically ill, disabled, and home all day, the form acknowledgment takes is some kind of online recognition.

4. My sister A., with whom I communicate only through Instagram “likes,” has stopped giving me likes. She got angry at me at the beginning of the pandemic then (allegedly) stopped being angry, so at least responds to my IG comments. Still, she won’t like my posts or ask me anything about me.

5. The rest of my family, so active on Whatsapp during the beginning of the quarantine, has gone back to life as usual, which means no contact (I am in close touch with my mom; everyone else acts as if I don’t exist).

6. My mom told me that my niece had a fever. I wrote a Whatsapp message to my sister S. to inquire after my niece’s fever. She replied that it was all okay for now, it wasn’t high or anything. I said Ok good, love to everyone! No answer.

7. I go to a place where I think, I did this. They hate me because I am hateful. They don’t like me because I don’t make enough of an effort to be in touch with them.

8. I can’t let go of this massive sense of abandonment.

9. I can’t let go of this massive sense that people abandon me because I am bad.