Hope, 2

1. Hope is not a feeling. Hope is a resolution.

2. I feel I have nothing to hang this hope on.

3. Which I think is the entire point of resolving to hope — for a while, see how it goes. (Hope is not a feeling).

4. I don’t want to ask anything of myself but to have hope.

5. Hope today is that:

5.1 S. loves me

5.2 Jennifer loves me.

5.3 My analyst loves me.

6. I can allow myself to be very little.

7. I will allow myself to be very little.

8. I find refuge in the thought that I am very little.

9. Very little babies don’t have to do anything.

10. I am a safe and loved little baby and there is nothing I have to do.

11. I am so scared.

12. Was this baby a terrified baby? Why yes, I think she was.

Painting, masher by Nadia Lysakowska, detail