Over the months I have gotten sicker

I leave bed only to bathe fetch bottles of green water

they tell me, Have hope

where in my body?

where in my mind?

I tell Kate, One day at a time

me, I can’t find a leaf to hang on

Painting by Marianne Hendriks.


Hope, 2

1. Hope is not a feeling. Hope is a resolution.

2. I feel I have nothing to hang this hope on.

3. Which I think is the entire point of resolving to hope — for a while, see how it goes. (Hope is not a feeling).

4. I don’t want to ask anything of myself but to have hope.

5. Hope today is that:

5.1 S. loves me

5.2 Jennifer loves me.

5.3 My analyst loves me.

6. I can allow myself to be very little.

7. I will allow myself to be very little.

8. I find refuge in the thought that I am very little.

9. Very little babies don’t have to do anything.

10. I am a safe and loved little baby and there is nothing I have to do.

11. I am so scared.

12. Was this baby a terrified baby? Why yes, I think she was.

Painting, masher by Nadia Lysakowska, detail



1. How much trauma is too much trauma? How do we heal?

2. I just read in the Guardian a beautiful extract from a forthcoming book written jointly by the family of Greta Thunberg. This particular bit is written by Greta’s mom.

3. Healing takes a village. It also takes patience. It also takes luck.

4. I feel I have a village and I have patience, but I need a bit of luck.

5. I am a Christian but it’s hard for me right now to think of God. God is for many such a source of succor. For me now he’s a source of anxiety and also rage.

6. God, I cannot deprive myself of anything for Lent because my life could not be more pared down. If I deprive myself of more there will be nothing keeping me alive.

7. God, why do you keep letting me down?

8. Should I “deprive” myself of hopelessness? Is it possible? What will life look like without hopelessness? Should I try?

(Many apologies because I have not being able to provide alt text for images lately. It’s an unforgivable omission but I find it utterly exhausting. I’ll catch up as soon as I can)